A Prayer.

Thank you God for my strong, caring, husband. Thank you God for my 3 little men who will grow up to be strong, caring husbands and love their mama. Thank you God for our little girl who wakes up smiling and thinks I hung the moon.

But most of all, Thank you God for WINE! Be ye red, white, or somewhere in between, wine, you keep me sane, you keep me married to that strong, caring husband I have. You keep me devoted to my three little men, and you keep me smiling at that little girl who wakes up smiling back.

These years are great, but they're hard. They are damn hard no matter what any other mama says. If any mama says these are the fun, easy years, she is either on some good meds, or lying.

A moment in the fog.

I'm back.
I mean, I guess I'm back. I'm writing again, that's a good thing.
But the truth is, I've never felt so "not back" in my life!
I know on paper and in my mind I'm so blessed. Great husband, check. Not one, two, or three, but FOUR healthy happy children, check. A place to live, check.
So why am I so lonely and sad? I try to think, "oh it must be the hormones from the latest pregnancy (only 4 months ago) trying to work their way back to regulation in my body.
If that's the case, great I'll try to ride it out.
But what if that's not the case?
I feel stuck. I have all these little faces staring at me and pulling me in 4 different directions from the moment I wake up until I finally get the last one tucked in at night.
The Mister and I said we were going to find a family business to do together so we could spend more time together as a family, but I think I'm much more motivated to do that than he is.
What do you do as a couple when you just can't seem to get on the same page?
I'm stuck.

I had "The moment"!

Today I had "The Moment".

It all started this afternoon when the fatigue overcame my 34 year old, 35 week pregnant body and it was all I could do to sit on the floor with the squishy blocks and half-heartedly build an elephant castle with my boys.

We recently discovered the cable music channel entitled, Toddler Tunes and it gets us through the afternoon witching hour. The song Rainbow Connection, sung by Kermit the Frog came on and I lost it! I used to sing that song to Bo when he was colicky and I was up ALL night! I had to run to the bathroom and hide so the little guys wouldn't see me cry!

It just suddenly hit me that they're all getting so big so fast! It's so cliche', but it really is kind of sad to look at my little men and know that I can't get any of the baby moments back.

I'm not even really attached to the infant stage. Breast-feeding is a chore to me, carrying someone around ALL the time bugs me, and let's face it, they're not that attractive with no teeth!

But it still makes me a little sad. Every day they get a little bigger and a little bit more independent. My role as playmate is already starting die out a little when the neighborhood kids come around. I wish I could freeze these moments and just play on the floor for a few years (well, with an hour workout break included, of course)!

God Bless the Stomach Flu!

Okay, so normally the stomach flu sucks. Especially when it's not only the 24 hour bug, but the 3 day stomach flu complete with vomiting, diarrhea and heartburn that cycles through Mom, Dad, child 1, child 2, and finally child 3. In fact, we're all on different days of our illness, so we still have about a day and a half to get this thing kicked, but that's not the point of this post.

Here's the point: I am a little neurotic about getting my kids out of the house every day and planning activities for us to do. I have a bit too much nervous energy, anxiety, whatever, and I find that I run myself and my boys into a fit!

These past 3 days caused me to completely slow it all down! We watched movies, read every book in the house, made a "zoo" out of the plastic animal collection, and just layed in the big bed and watched more movies! Besides the projectile vomiting and taking turns running to the toilet, the last 3 days have actually been a blessing! I feel like I really got to spend that quality time with all my boys that I sometimes don't get when I'm too worried about rushing them to the park or teaching them something.

Another blessing has been my amazing husband. In the book The Sacred Marriage, the author talks about how when we are able to find the romance in the most unromantic moments of marriage, then we are on the right track.

Patrick was sick too. He probably felt just as bad as I did, but the first day of our plague, he completely took charge. He brought me crackers, water, and the remote. He took the boys out for the entire day so that I could sleep! He even cleaned the puke up from the walls of the bathroom. (remember I said "projectile vomiting?") I look at these actions as extremely romantic and if I weren't feeling a wave of diarrhea coming on right this minute, I might just show him how romantic I think it is! HA!

32 weeks...and in NO rush!!!

I don't know why I can't just shut my mouth and smile for the camera! I swear, every picture of me I look like I'm telling off the cameraperson!
The other day my sister in law, Jeannine mentioned that I haven't really blogged about this pregnancy too much. It's true, and it's sad. What I would give to be able to stroll on the beach in all my pregnant glory, drinking tea and organic fruit smoothies. Reading pregnancy books and magazines and hunting down every little question or fun fact about gestation on the internet. I would LOVE to grab a seat in the pedicure chair for an hour before I slowly glide down the aisles of Babies R Us, dreaming of what my beautiful nursery will look like and then return home to wash all the sweet little clothes in Dreft...again.
But alas, instead of doing these things, I am lucky to get out of the house by 9am without anyone screaming (including me). I tried to make myself a cup of tea the other day. I boiled the water, put it in the mug when it whistled and was called away for a 2 yr. old poop emergency. By the time I got back to the tea, I realized I had forgotten to put the tea bag in the mug and now the water was cold again. As far as organic smoothies or anything for that matter, I'm grateful to throw half a pre-licked pb&j in my mouth and slam a prenatal!
With my erratic sleep habits, however, I do get a little window between 2 and 3am where I sometimes sneak a magazine article, but at that time of the day I don't even want to THINK about pregnancy, so I grab the trashiest US Weekly or People mag.
I did get a fabulous pedicure on Mother's Day and am looking forward to the next pedicure...next Mother's Day!
Lastly, this little girl better have some strong resilient skin. That Deft or Dreft stuff hasn't been around our house since 2006! All dirty clothes get thrown into one huge pile at the top of the stairs. If a towel or bathroom rug gets thrown in with it, so be it.
So is the life of Pat, Christie, and 3 little men under 3!
But seriously, as far as this pregnancy has gone, I have felt more nausea spells than with the boys, and I'm extremely tired. But the biggest difference is the peace and tranquility I feel this time. I think the testosterone cocktail was a bit too much for my system. I feel this time like I really have that inside "glow", and am having a beautiful time being pregnant despite how busy things are around here.

Our GQ's!

I would NEVER try and make my children into models or actors unless they were old enough to beg for it. However, a photographer friend of mine asked to take some pics of the boys playing for a photography contest she was entering. She took about 30 shots of the three of them.

Jesse didn't make the cut, but these two pics got accepted and will be in the contest and also in a photography magazine.

This is our family's 15 minutes of fame until one of our children enters American Idol, so we're extremely proud!

The dark stuff!

I wasn't going to ever address it again. I wasn't going to write this down. I was going to let my feelings pass with time or shove them away like I've done before. I don't mean disrespect to my parents, but this is MY blog and I need to write my feelings.

It was March of 2006. I was visiting my family in SLC with my 5 month old brand new first born son. We were sitting at my sisters house with my mother, my older sister, her husband and their kids.

There was a knock on the door. My brother-in-law answered the door and in walked my father.

Only he wasn't my father that day and hasn't been ever since. Through that door walked a man with black eyes like the devil. I didn't recognize his face, but a cold dark aura hung around him and chilled the air. He had one hand in his pocket and it was twitching and shaking in his pocket.

AT THAT MOMENT I WAS AFRAID THAT MY FATHER HAD COME WITH A GUN IN HIS POCKET TO KILL US.

I remember thinking, "Of course! I'm finally happily married with a perfect little baby and this is going to happen and I'm going to die before I get to enjoy it!"

I stood up to face him, my sleeping baby in my arms and said, "Dad, Dad?" He looked right past me with his sunken in, drug-weathered face.

He said he needed to talk privately with my mother and the two of them proceeded downstairs. Apparantly he told her that he had received visions that he was a prophet and supposed to bring some kind of message.

And then, just like that, he ran out the door and sped loudly away.

We later found out he went to another family members house and was threatening them with a crossbow.

My parents finally got divorced. I thought it was a great idea...Until she called to say they ran off to Elko, Nevada to remarry. He never completed a rehab program, but has supposedly been working on bettering his life. Maybe he has. Maybe he hasn't.

That's only ONE example of the drama that went on in our house. Forgive me, God, if it's wrong to not want a relationship with them anymore. Forgive me, God, if I don't want these two people around my innocent children.

I am moving forward.

I want my children to know why they don't know their grandparents when they're old enough to ask. That's why I chose to write this and one day I will share it with them.